REVELATIONS,PONDERANCES, 

                         AND A

          MINOR CASE OF THE APOCALYPSE

                        THE UPDATE TO “ THIS MODERN MAN ”

I going through my computer files and cleaning out some of the useless files on it. I came across the folder where all of my creative or should I say attempts at writing are kept. I found the file for “This Modern Man” which was the first piece I ever published. It was created about a year ago. Time flies. So I began to think about it and some of the ideas in it. So once again, I am going to let the mind wander and put on the website the results.

A year later, and some days I feel like I am still just talking to myself. However, it did give me an idea on how to “decorate” my apartment. Since I am talking to walls. I might as well paint pictures of ears on the wall. Weird but at least I will have some impression that something at least is listening. Although, I find myself talking to God a lot lately.  (Don’t worry. I am not going to crack up and join a cult.) And surprisingly he does respond to me. He says, “Keep it up smart ass and Job is going to be looking like a fairy tale.” But enough of this topic.

A year ago, I thought I was going to be this great and influential writer. The results have yet to live up to expectation. The website that I first published to closed down. I miss it. It was really easy to stay motivated when the same with the audience was there. It also gave me a count on how many times each posting to the site was read. It was real nice to see the numbers, unlike my checking account, go up. It was nice to see and sometimes even hear that it had been read. Writing for a brief moment just did not seem like such a lonely art. Maybe I could do this. However, the site got the ever popular at that moment “dot.com death sentence.” Back to start, do not pass go and give the money back.

Then the tool of my publishing abilities a.k.a. the computer decides to be a bit unruly at times. I had so much fun trying to get my own website up and running. My computer in the last few months has been trying to win the argument. The argument to see who can be more temperamental. It or me. And sad to say, I was clearly outmatched.

I am still looking for the dream. The job. I want move more towards a job that I can have without a sense of shame. The job that fits me. Fits me like a straitjacket. I wish I could go back and slap all of my guidance counselors. I remember hearing the whole talk on how you should think and be careful. They said you had to plan for everything in life and make all of the right choices. It was crucial for you not to make any mistakes. What a load of shit that is. I will tell kids make mistakes. In life it is the only thing you will be able to do with any sense of consistency. There is no 100% foolproof game plan. If there weren’t people being stupid and making bad choices then there would be no one for the panel discussions on the Jerry Springer Show. I would miss that chance to feel better about myself because I have nothing in common (and I dare you to prove otherwise) with those people. All I know is shit happens. And character comes from owning up to it. I am not starting to find out about my character. Something I am told that I am. A character. However, I wish I could find out where all of the voices are coming from. You know things are just not the same in life. You just cannot have things stay even and level for the whole time. This is how life just is. The only thing that is a constant is change. If this true then where did the phrase, “Same Shit Different Day” comes from. So I am still doing a little more searching on the job front.

It is said that the world is a reflection of yourself. Is that why assholes and other idiots surround me? Am I an asshole? I know I can be an idiot at times. I wish someone would have told me. It is like walking around with your zipper down. It is embarrassing and could easily be solved. However, someone has to be kind enough to tell you that you need to pay attention to things like that. Then again it is nice to have a laugh at person willing to walk around like that. So all I can say is “Thanks…for nothing.”

The dream job may down the road a bit. Hopefully. Dream girlfriend then? Not exactly.

It has nothing to do I think with my previously mentioned condition. I did leave one completely speechless. Nicole. She just cannot find the words. Her lawyer on the other hand has plenty of words to say. And plenty of paper to write them down on.  The scorecard in this category is bit lacking. Recently, a female informed me that I was a “high maintenance” person. I am sure this is not good. I think she is lying or exaggerating a bit on this. I know what you are thinking. That people who say they are not “high maintenance” and in fact really are “high maintenance”. I was not able to talk here back to my place. And my bottle of chloroform was empty.  She would have seen the truth. My apartment being a reflection of myself in some metaphoric way shows little if any maintenance. If my apartment does not show this the back seat of my car sure does. I am a single guy. What do I know about homemaking? Nothing! I know socks, underwear and the dishes only need to be clean on a “need to only” basis. Time, dirt and odor have nothing to do with it. When you are out of any of them then it is time to clean them. And just because that happens to been only on monthly basis is not my fault. I know that in case of serious medical need there is penicillin available at anytime. It is most likely growing in a container in my refrigerator. However, finding the right one may take a few attempts. I am prepared to survive when the shit hits the fan so to say. And fact when the shit does hit the fan in this world it may take me a while to really notice anything different. Thank God I am preparing myself. So to get back to things. I think this whole “maintenance” think needs to be revised. They finally created a holiday that I would like to participate in. It requires a female. Always a technicality. Damn. March 20, “Steak and a Blow Job Day”. The first successful Internet campaign ever and I get nothing. I now have a goal for next year.

So what is the ideal girl for me? I want the girl who I can just be myself around. The girl I do not have to put an act on for. Sounds good. But then deep down I am just a guy. So all I really want is sex. Along with that steak dinner, a beer and not standing between the television and myself. Holy Shit! I do have something in common with my father. However, I will just have to settle for being able to take care of myself for the moment. I also have to admit that I am getting older. No one matter how much I may not act like it or admit to it. It is time to settle. Maybe. I can take care of myself for now. I have to admit that I am getting older. Someday, arthritis may take that ability from me. If not carpal tunnel syndrome has a good chance of doing it. Maybe we need to have someone for down the road. You know at least one person who will find the body and call 911.

So a year later and I am still ranting with little bit of raving.

I am looking for is my small square on this stage called Life where I can do my thing.

My car maybe on the side of the road in this game called Life. But I am beginning to find the right wheels to put on the car.

All I am trying to do is externalize the internal. I tried to internalize the external once when I was really, really bored. And feeling a little bit adventurous and whole lot drunk.

However, it was more of lifestyle change than I was willing to commit to. Not to mention it was too physically challenging. And I was out of Flex-All.

This is my story.

And I am sticking to it.

I have to go.

Time for my medicine.

I like the medicine.

And it sure makes all the lights look pretty.

(Updates to follow. Depending on the results of the therapy sessions)