There is a place and time for everything.

There is a song that needs to be put in its place.

And we all know the tune. Therefore, let me decree the…

THE BILLY JOEL                                                   PIANO MAN RULING

1. It should only be played at a place where alcohol is being served.

2. The song can only be played (regardless of where) between the hours of 11PM and 2AM. Nothing good ever happens after 2AM.

There is nothing more disturbing than having an alarm clock radio playing  the song at 6AM.   The only thought that can be in your mind is, “I'm still at the bar? And where is my drink bartender?” OK That's two thoughts.

3.   You can only sing along with the song is Rules 1 and 2 are in compliance.  

4.   You can only sing along if you have a blood alcohol content (BAC) of at least .07. You must be near a condition where  you are close to not being legally allowed to operate a motor vehicle.

5.   The volume of your voice during the sing along should be directly proportional to your blood alcohol level. But not required.

6.       If you are a musician and this song is requested the Rules 1 and 2 must be present. And you MUST HAVE A PIANO to play it on. If you only have a guitar then you must pass on playing it. It’s called Piano Man for a reason.

7.       If your friend who is with you after the song says the following. "You’re the best man.” You are allowed ONE free punch. If he says, “I love you man.” You get TWO free punches. The problem is your friend is under the influence of two factors: Alcohol and the damn song. Together that means bullshit sentimentality. And that is not right. He would never do this on a normal day. It is not right. And he should be dealt with.

BONUS: If this should happen on Cinco de Mayo. You are allowed to grab a stick. Proceed then to treat him like piñata. .