SENSE OF HUMOR

             I NEED A JUDGMENT CALL HERE

I have a simple test that I use every now and then to determine peoples’ sense of humor. It works for everyone regardless of gender, race, creed, etc. and so forth. People are always asking, “What did I do last night?” So I tell them I watched a movie. That movie was Blazing Saddles. The most politically incorrect movie that has ever been made. The movie that says to be offensive then offend everyone. I then wait for the reaction and then I know who there can take a joke.

I know I have a bizarre sense of humor. I know many of the songs from the Dr Demento Radio Show. Or my new source of fun songs from Stephen Lynch. Or the whacked out Muppets in Avenue Q. However, others have always treated my sense of humor with suspicion. I was thinking about this for a few days now. When did I think that this suspicion started? And I may have an answer. Many years ago, I sent a Playboy subscription to my friend’s kid for his first birthday. The kid was breast fed so he has seen them. That caused issues. Or maybe it started when the same kid was going through toilet training. I was trying to teach the kid that every time he goes to do a #2 he should say, “I have to go drop a chalupa.” They say kids are fun. So why not have fun with them?  I have come to realize that people (mainly the parents) do not like things like this. They get mad at me when I suggest that duct tape and babysitting can be used in the same sentence. I guess there is a time and a place for a joke. And if I have both of these then why not have a joke. I have even cracked a joke at a funeral. My grandmother’s.  My grandfather had died about 30-35 years earlier. Someone had remarked that he had enjoyed 30-35 years of “peace and quiet.” I said an old joke. Why do men often tend to die before their wives? They want to. I think my sense of humor maybe the fallout or a by-product of my childhood Catholic education. See what happens when you do not answer the “how and why” questions.

There is the cover to the Chris Rock comedy album, Born Suspect, that features him at a bus stop and all of this old white woman look that he maybe about to rob them. I know the feeling. I know that feeling that you are not going to be doing anything wrong. But you look to be suspicious. I have been told that a sense of humor is something people look. Just not my sense of humor. Everybody claims that is important trait to have. Bullshit. Sense of humor is never listed in the personal ads. I have done the research. All I know from this research is that “size matters”. Especially when it comes to the wallet. My whole theory for myself on the personals comes from the old GI adage. “Never share a foxhole with anyone crazier then yourself.” Another one comes from the movie Annie Hall. Woody Allen theory of dating comes from Groucho Marx. “I would never join a club that would have a person like me as member.” Others have told me that a sense of humor is important. Just not mine.

This comes to my latest struggle with the sense of humor.  I have friends who for some reason want to get married. And they want to have a “fun” funeral, I mean wedding. Just joking. So they came up with the idea. And I swear I am not making this up. They wanted me to become an Internet ordained priest. So I began thinking about a fun wedding ceremony. And I tried to view it as not being an oxymoron. Let me say this. As a single person I am very suspicious of the whole wedding and coupling process. I was trying to remember or find the Drew Carey Show where they had a gag wedding ceremony. I was given no guidelines from them. I have never planned my own wedding. I am pretty sure it would involve the use of a shotgun. And I pray whoever is holding it makes it quick. So I went searching for the idea of a fun priest character. I found that to be from the old Saturday Night Live, Father Guido Sarducci. I thought his material was pretty funny. However, my friends thought I was going to go for the look. And with that I was out of the wedding ceremony. I think it may have something to do with the fact the hall was not covered by insurance for lightning strikes.

I am still thinking about getting the Internet priest certification. My one friend thinks that being a single introvert with my knowledge that I am one step away from writing a manifesto. But with the certification, I am one step away from starting a cult. Don’t worry. I am not going to start one of them doomsday type cults. The world will always being “going to hell.” If it weren’t then there would be no need for the evening news. It would be half hour of a news anchor just staring at the screen. People would then not feel guilty. Without guilt then organized religion is out of business. I would call my cult, “The Society of the Couch”.  O.K. I need to work on the name. The group will recognize the power of prayer when it is appropriate. Like when the football game is down to a field goal with 10 seconds left and $20 on the game. Jesus turned water into wine to keep a party going. He was the first documented home brewer. The other time for prayer is pregnancy tests. It may sound like this, ”Please Lord do not turn the water blue because then the party will really be over.” The source of our scripture will come from the only source we can accurately quote. Television. When we unintentionally error we turn to WKRP in Cincinnati, “As God is my witness, I swore turkeys could fly.” The times of trouble with our wives, girlfriends or both we turn to the wisdom of Norm Peterson. “Women can’t live with them. Pass the beer nuts.” And when people disagree with us. We turn to our idol of great wisdom, Archie Bunker. “You’re a meathead!” And another from Red Forman, “Dumbass!”  Finally, chips and beer will be our bread and wine along with the occasional order for pizza and chicken wings. Variety is the spice of life. This cult is still in the planning stages. Please e-mail any suggestions to me.

Let me get back to the whole wedding idea. I was thinking about the ceremony to it. The whole idea of honor and cherish is a bunch of fairy tale bullshit. It should probably be replaced by tolerate and suppress any homicidal rage. They call it along journey to the wedding. It should be called what it really is. The end of a long line of losers. But what do I know? So I just thought of some potentially fun vows for the ceremony. I would ask her, ”Do you accept the Green Packers as your team?” She would reply, “ No!” I always wanted to hear those words said with all seriousness at a wedding. I can tell him, “I really tried to do it for you. So get over it.” But fair is fair. I would asked him for her, “Do you promise to have breakfast more often down at the Y? Weather provided?” I do not want to know the answer. I think the vows should include the important things such as remote control operation and toilet seat position. The source of "divine" power or title in this modern world is cash. I can end the ceremony by saying, "By the power invested in me by a check for $39.95 plus shipping and handling..." It is all still in the planning phases. I am not sure why since I am out. Out of everything but free time.

I was going to asked for a judgment call on where the line for a “sense of humor.” But then I just had a rare bout of reality hit me. It does not matter where the line is drawn. I am going to jump well beyond where ever it is perceived to be. If you have a problem with this then it is too bad. I warned you. Besides you should know very well by now on what type of person you are dealing with.